*For Rent*

School is the worst. I hate it.
I don't talk to anyone, and no one talks to me. But that's okay. People here seem to all be the same. Everyone is another copy of someone else.
Except for Chase, I don't know him well at all, but he's in my ward, and he seems like a decent sort of guy. Of course I can't make any judgments without knowing him well. But I like him enough to say 'hm. i can tell that we are gonna be friends'.

I've only been to the beach twice. To be honest it isn't very welcoming. Plus, it's not really my scene. I perfer to go durung the day, when all the kids my age are at school. I like to think there. Alone. That's the only time I actually want to be alone here. Which sucks, cuz I'm alone a lot. I just don't like to go after school when all these skanky girls are throwing themselves over guys while wearing practically nothing. Don't they know that when they do that, guys only want them for one thing? Crazy girls... .__.

Other then school and the beach, it isn't so bad here. L.A. is only 15 mintues away so I could totally go and try to stalk some movie star of something if i wanted to. Who knows, right?

Ah... I miss everyone so incredibly much.
I cry.
Which I feel like a baby for, but Matthew says it's cuz it means I care, and that I'm not being a baby.. I see pieces of everyone in everything. I miss people that I'm for sure never cared about me to begin with. I miss laughing with friends. I haven't laughed with a friend in a month. Forever as it seems, I think there is some reason I'm here. Although it is not yet apperent in my life right now, it will be.
Whenever Mike texts me (actually, whenever anyone texts me) I get a huge smile on my face. I shout "Mom! Mike just texted me! :D". Pathetic? Only a little. You can't blame a girl for loving her best friend, can you?
And I miss Matt.. Which is a given but.... Sometimes i don't know what on earth I'd do without him, even 700 miles away.
I miss Miranda, and her sweet smile and hello's in the hall. I miss doing the 'Time Warp' dance.
I miss Brendan, and his sillyness :) I miss how there was never a dull moment.
I miss everyone, really. Too many to say something about, but... lot's.. Sigh.
I love you all :) <3



p.s. it's absolutely freezing here. Isn't Cali supposed to be warm..?

life in california

It's quite boring actually. I miss my best friend :[
I miss Matt.
I finally start school on monday. I'm super excited to go and hopefully I'll make some friends. If I have to sit on my butt all day for one more second I may just die.

Recently, life has been amazing. I'm getting the closure I need to go. 

Life is beautiful.

holding hands is the sincerest form of affection

Today was another one of those perfect days :) Matt Knowles is so grand :)
We went to an art thingie, which was pretty cool. We found the most perfect (and not hipster) apartment where I am going to live and die, and saw lots of hipsters. And Martin Bradshaw has a giant picture in some random cafe`. That was weird to see. We helped the church of Christ, and all that good charity stuff.

I jammed earlier today with Matt and Mike. Pretty chill :D

Cake.
 the end.

Sometimes I Just Go For It. best song, ever.

Mike and Matt.
They are going to kill me. I'm going to die, I'm so jelly of them. They're freaking amazing at guitar.. hate face -__-
 Whatever...so....10 days. I thought it was 8...but it's 10 (sorry, Brendan, your 11 wish for me to leave isn't coming true).

Other then moving life is good. I hate hurting people, but life's good.

so. life?

:) band tour was amazing. I was being stupid by thinking it would be anything other then amazing :) that's all i can say about it. Having a room with Sammie and Nicole was great :) (sorry for blasting Paramore, Coley) :D It was pretty much the funnest thing ever :)

Halloween was also a blast :) Best night ever with Taylor, Cody, Matt, and Flower.
Ended well :) who would have thought?;)

Yesterday me and Matt went and played in the Library for like....evar! :D and he took me to see El Duckehs :) I love seeing the duckehs. hahah :D I think Jonathan is dead :'( poor duckeh D:

He's so nice :)

tour: fun :)

spending time with matt today: fun :)

i'll give details of both later :)

band tour

is coming up. And I think I'm the only person in marching band not looking forward to it. It's hard to want to go do something when the people you are going with all hate you. I love them, but that doesn't change anything. I really want to enjoy my time, but Ian is already being a super douche to me, Tyler wont look me in the eye, and everyone else completely ignores my already dwindling presence.
Fun trip :/

:')

Secondhand Serenade.
Every song describes my life perfectly.
It's gross, and wonderful.

I thought it said Dubstep :[ it doesn't

 If you're bored, and you go wonder aimlessly, you'll find something to do :) I found Cari :)
We played at the park and made lot's of grasshopper friends :D yay :)

Cari is so pretty

I edited it.. eh :/

yesterday me and Cari went on an adventure :)

He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land.

you're kinda like my personal gift from God :)
you're sweeter then oreo cheese cake.
you're my best friend, dood. :D

I'm going to miss everyone so much when I go. It will be super heartbreaking for me, whether anyone else feels anything or not.

I saw Brendan and Miranda at the park today. They're super cute.

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise”

I don't feel so grown up.  Having only a little less than two years of high school left, and I only pretend to be big. In all actuality I feel very, very small. I'm not sure I'm ready to start picking out collages. I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up.

I mean, I still beg my mother to take me out for ice cream. And I have cried over split milk. Sometimes I look at my science equations and think 'hmm..I"m too young for this', when it's really only the beginning. I still wish I was a princess. I love to play tag..and hide-and-go seek. Oh...and stuffed animals :) Like my pillow pet :) I wont grow up.


Am I old enough to love someone? I ask myself that a lot. Have I loved, or was it my silly fifteen year old brain telling me I love someone? There is no way to tell really. Love is a grown up word that I have used. But I'm not a grown up.
Impossibru ;)

I got sunshine in a bag :)

I'm useless, but not for long :D


I had two band competitions this week.
They were both fun. More so the one yesterday. But I guess the fun parts of competitions are the bus rides. Sitting with everyone and just always laughing. Getting paid to give back massages, dressing up like hipsters, fighting over blankets :) haha lol. I love them. I love hanging with the people that I love most.

Anyways.... Matt Knowles is the nicest person I know. He is always smiling about something, and never says rude things to me. Yeah. Imma make him cookies.

I'm happy :)

I love my guitar.
And my music :)

For those of you who don't know me,

This is me. Crazy. Loud. Unkempt.
I believe in love at first sight.
And kissing in the rain.



I think everyone should follow their dreams. No matter how crazy insane they are.
I think if you're not living life to the fullest, you're dying.

Boys are cute.
I have a lot of bestest friends.
I respect Mike Andelin.
I adore Brendan Wake.
I love Tyler Walden.
Nathan Leatham is my new friend.

I think Allie, Miranda, Sammie and Nicole are the sweetest girls ever.

I believe life is love and death. Pain and joy. Life is kisses and ham sandwiches. Life is drinking hot chocolate and playing in the sprinklers. Life is drama and flowers and homework. Life is burnt cookies, and ooie gooey ones. Life is Adel, Cage the Elephant, The Beatles. Life is breaking bones, and cuts and scars. It's cold days, and warm huddled bodies. Life is making up words (snuggerbloppet, frippin', johnataya). It's butterflies and goosebumps.
Trampolines.
Funerals.
The sky.
It's cliche' people, and hipsters. It's the piano, and the glockenspiel. The oboe. Life is the Christians, and the Atheists. Life is math, chemistry, marching band. Life is multi-grain cheerios. And black and white photographs.

I like oatmeal with banana's in it, but I don't like banana's.

'Sometimes I Just Go For It' is my favorite song.

I'm a teenager. I'm stupid and crazy and nerdy.
I like to wear dresses and look pretty.


This is me. Crazy. Loud. Unkempt.

:) Happy Endings is the best TV show ever :D

Meet Me at the Corner

Please don't ask me who,
Who you think I am
I could live without that
I'm just a modest man

Meet at the corner and tell
Tell me what to do
Cause I messed up on you
And had I known
All that I do now
I'm guessing were through now
Receding into the forest
I will
Lay around in wait
And I wait for you.

Please don't ask me where
Where you think I been
I've been a lot of places
But this could be my win

Meet at the corner wiil I
Tell me what to do
Cause I messed up on you
And had I known
All that I do now
I'm guessing were through now
Receding into the forest
I will
Lay around in wait
And I wait for you.

I feel so bad
I thought you'd wanna know
Something I want to show
I thought you ought to know

Please don't say you want
To keep in touch out there
To see you on the corner
Well that I just can't bare

Meet at the corner and tell
Tell me what to do
Cause I messed up on you
And had I known
All that I do now
I'm guessing were through now
Receding into the forest
I will
Lay around in wait

Hey and I turn
I turned my head and I thought
I saw a sign
From the gods
A sign from the gods
That you weren't meant to be mine
And it's fine

Takin it all for a ride
Until the day when it's gone
Mystified by where
It all went wrong
When it's gone

I live and I learn
And I lose and I win
But it's better than ever
Whenever I'm in
I thank you, ty
For everywhere that we've been

:)

I LOVE THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

they're so mother frickin hot ;)

Multi Grain Cheerios are great :)

Boys are dramatic sometimes. more so than girls. It's quite odd, really.

Sophia is my favorite.
And so are songs about pineapples.
Today was fantastic. Slept all morning then played with my Sophia all the day. We boarded the canyon then we played in the sprinklers, then we went to Reams all wet and ate ice cream and donuts :D Then we wrote a freaking sexy song :) about.....FOOD :)

You're super duper cute.

I can't stand it.

I was talking to Jessica today. I want to fall in love again. It would be so cool and beautiful. Falling in love is the greatest thing in the world. Falling in love would just be so much more likely if I didn't want to fall back in love with the person who can't stand me most.I hate that I always do the wrong thing. I don't know how but I manage to be wrong or rude or...whatever.
Anyways, aside from messing life up, today was good. I hung out with Jessica pretty much all day. It was way fun. We played at the mall and washed her car and stuff :) way good time. Then, at the football game i talked to Mike for the first half. It was good talking to him. He is nice to talk to. I don't have bad blood with him, and he has gotten a lot nicer and he is just happy. It's good to be around happy people. Plus, he has really weird and entertaining dreams to hear about. :D
Lol.

Banned Books Week

Never walk in new shoes.
They tend to hurt your toes.
Now, this probably didn't need to be pointed out, but out of experience I wouldn't advise it.

So this week is banned books week, I guess. Apparently people are trying to ban certain books from kids because parents don't like these books.. I'm not the biggest fan of this whole thing. Our society is dying. Knowledge is easier to find then ever, and yet people are trying to block others from accessing it. That doesn't make sense to me. Schools are saying: 'Go! Get out into the world! Travel, read books, sing, dance, explore, be yourselves!... Except you can only listen to this kind of music, dance in this certain way, dress like this, talk like that. You have to be the same as your mother and your grandmother and the complete stranger that lives down the street. You may only read books that certain groups of religious mothers tell you to. And sense the world is a dangerous place, you must stay inside and and watch The Office, because that is much safer than learning.'
It seems like a flaw. People are trying to make our already illiterate United States population dumber (I lave lack for a better choice in words). This should not be the case. I think everyone should just be able to read and write and think for themselves. To experience life how they want to, without parents and teachers telling everyone what can and cannot do, and think, and say.

Well, that's the end of my rant. I am satisfied.

Today was grand! :)

Just amazing. I love music so much.
It has this way of taking all the hate out of your soul :)

Smile :)

Yesterday went really well. Today wasn't the best....got ditched. I'm used to it by now but it still sucks.
I hung out with Ian and Noah tonight. They came over at like 8ish and we went to the high school and just messed around. It was a party :) i got tickle to death. And Noah broke my freaking sword. But other then that, it was a good night.
     So yesterday I went to the guys band practice again. It's so awesome to watch them. They're freaking good at what they do. And Mike can sing... Who would have thought. He is very talented and I'm impressed. A lot. It was like a smack in the face. He's a pretty awesome guy..

I'm going to make tomorrow awesome.

I need something to hold

I cried in the middle of a road last night. Just... fell onto the road and cried.
I miss him.
But I have to be happy :) Adversity is something that i have to go through and get over. It's just a personal thing. Plus, everything is better that way.
Man... life is awesome :\

Happiness Loves Company

And so do I. From whoever I want to. Hey everybody, I'm alone with someone, that must mean we are making out. Cuz I'm just a whore like that. The biggest whore ever, haven't you heard? -__- you know, that stuff wouldn't bother me. I only care cuz people think I want to kiss every guy I some to contact with. That isn't the person i am. It sucks that for some reason everyone is under the impression I am that kind of person. It sucks.
Anyways... Today was good. i got some art projects done..




p.s. people can like who they want.. :/

I promise to always come home to you

I had a wonderful time last night!
No, I didn't go to homecoming. I did something 1000 times more fun :)
I hung out with Christa and Katelyn at first, then after not being invited places Mike and Ian came over. We went to McDonald's (I've eaten there way to much lately), then we walked home. Turns out, Mike is like... the coolest skipper ever. He like...floats down the street. Sideways. With a rainbow streaming after him. Haha. Ian and i got into a little fight, but everything worked out in the end. We (everyone mentioned above) watched Phantom of the Opera. That is an amazing movie. Just fantastic :) And I watched it some of the greatest people in the world. Ohhh. I'm starting a new blog that people can post in. Special people. Anyways...

COMING SOON!

The coolest blog ever...Only if people will write in it.

The End. Have a good day everyone :)

Always be happy..

even when you quite literally cannot.
I have to tell myself that every morning and evening and night. It's not a bad thing, really. Keeps me happy, but i hate that I have to tell myself that to even me happy. That's okay.
Everyone has off days. this is just one of mine.
I will fix everything before I move. I have to. I have to....
I went to a band competition today. Well, i was in it, actually. It was alright. The fact that i messed up horribly and made everything sound like crap will eat me alive forever and ever, but i can't let it get to me. I'm just a big ball of stupid lately. I think it's cuz I've been super nervous.. about everything. Even going to school gives me the butterflies or whatever. And not the good kind either. I'm not sure why, but I'll get to the bottom of this madness..

Sorry for being emotional lately. And hypocritical. And extremely stupid. I'm only human, but believe me, I'm trying to stop.

I'm so happy :)

Dear everyone,
     I'm sorry for being so sad lately. In all honesty it was awful. I may not have said some nice things to you, so if I said something poopy then...I'm sorry.
Today was just amazing. Like, so good that it is impossible to have anything bring you down afterwords. I could get punched in the face and told by an angry ginger that I'm stupid, and i could just giggle and ask her too cheer up :) I'm finally becoming my old self again. Someone I haven't been for a long time. Of course I'm going to be sad sometimes. I just lost someone very dear to me, and it was my fault. But that doesn't mean I should be a complete and total Butt Face Chicken Head. Also, I'm not going to call people mean names ever again, and I'm not going to use fowl language. It just hurts people's feelings. And if I hate it when people do that to me, what makes me doing it to them any different? Nothing. Nothing at all. Everyone is beautiful and everyone is different and it's so amzing to see people interact with each other kindly.

Today was Mike's birthday. I made him a cake and I started making him a birthday present, but my lame math teacher took it away. It's all good though. We had a birthday party for him, but he wasn't able to make it. But it was the greatest birthday party i have ever been too! :) We carved pumpkins and then smashed them to bits in a parking lot, we walked around outside the high school with knives :), walked to Micky D's, and then last but not least at all, went to Mike's house and sang him Happy Birthday and made sure he know we loved him.

He is on The List ;)



And isn't this the cutest thing ever? :)

When I Grow Up...

well today went horrible.
let's just say i cried at everything. no matter what it was.
-sigh-
is it too late to say nevermind? ha. i wish.

i want to say something awfully cliche` and profound...but nothing is coming.
it's like recently all good and bad emotions have just ran away and hidden.

i wish i was a rock.  wouldn't know if i was happy or sad or mad. i would be perfectly content with my surroundings, and no matter where i was or what i was doing i wouldn't care much if i got broken or stepped on. i would think about the whether. if i was to get a bath or not today. that kind of easy stuff. it would be great to be a little grey rock. i found one today. i was walking with Ian talking about how i wanted to be a rock, and i found the most perfect rock a little girl like me could become. maybe i'll put a picture of myself as a rock on here someday. rocks don't have to love or hate. rocks don't live or die. they don't have to worry about God, or satan, life death. when i grow up, i shall become a rock :) or at least paint a pretty freaking cool picture of a rock. hmm. someday.

somday i'll figure out why life happens to be the worst thing ever. someday i'll figure out how it's also the best thing ever.

Madi Diaz, Let's Go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7CjSEdfDts

Tell me baby, what's your story?

Well...alot has happened lately. But no one actually cares about that :) haha

I made a new friend. his name is Ian Lindsey and he is awesome :) I enjoy being around him very much :)

I got stuck in a bra at wal-mart... that is embarassing :D haha

I have to rant about something, world. I want to know why people get mad at each other.... Actually, I think i want to rant about the stupidity of the human race in general. Everything would be so much easier if no one judged or hated...It would be easy if no one love, lied, losed, etc. Granted, that would be the most boring thing ever, but it would be easy. People hate over the stupidest things. Like taste in music or clothes or friends... Get over it, guys. not everyone can be you. Soz bro, it's impossible. I'm being hypocritical, of course. No one is like the above explained. But that's okay :) I love all the stupid people :)

Anyways...

my heart's a stereo

Girls camp was this week. Ahh. It was amazing. I'm so glad i went. we spant all week laughing and playing music and it was really chill. Just the little gettaway i needed.
But now i'm back and reality kinda kicked in again.

Anyways, I'm prolly going to flaming gorge with Tyler and his family :) I'm super surprized my mom is actually letting me go. I guess she is realizing that I've lost alot of friends anymore and so she's letting me do what i want with whoever I have left :) and, I get to miss the first couple days of school. That means that I get to avoid faces in the hall that don't want to see me :)
Oh, Tyler is moving :) They're renting this way nice house on canyon rode. It's just regular house size, but it's the perfect size for their family....and it's a lot closer to my house. That means he can come to springville!!! :D I board right by his house to get there in the morning so could just stop and pick him up :)

I have a ton of marching band this week. I guess I'm excited. I mean, i have two weeks straight being with all the people that i love to be around :) I think I'm going to make a cake, or bring drinks or somthing to give to everyone :) haha. I think that would be so awesome :) I love the marching band and the drumline :D
They're my best friends :)

drumline bbq :)

today was possibly one of the greatest ever. it's up there at the top.
i love how awesome everyone i hangout with is. we manage to say the worst possible things at the best times...if that makes any sense.
we played chinese fire drill :) haha...super lame when everyone can't drive, but whatever. it was still fun. oh yeah....
9 hours of Halo Reach.
i'm pretty sure we are all high from paint fumes. no one laughs at the things we laughed at. lol.
cody tamed the wild beastly burds... until brendan almost killed one. then they hates all of us.
my house was littered with 40ish white out cans :) i'm sure i haven't found all of them yet. i stopped trying. anyways... it was a wondiferous day :)

good day :) <3

our karma was great

today was so fun :) at first i was just sittin around but then Miranda texted me this wonderful plan. well me and Brittany went and got her after we got pillow pets. after we completed our plan we walked home from tylers house and had an epic adventure :) we played in the sprinklers and walked in a wheat feild. After we just chilled and talked. we made pina coladas and won tons :) it's nice to have girl friends that i can hopefully trust. haha everything was just wonderful. i needed a little break from guys... i got it :) ha. sigh...

i guess i just had a good day.

i want to go crawl into a corner while i fall apart. is that okay? ha..
thunks.
other than being an idiot, i had some fun today with sophia..we went boardin for like 3 hours :) haha...good times..
yeah.

someone kill me now.

p.s. i love Thriving Ivory naow. :)

please tell me if you hate me or not.. you probably do. you hang out with peopl that hate me. i wouldn't be surprised if you did. if they made you hate me. or they made you think i was a fake just like they always have.

Happy Birthday, Brendan.

Hey buddy. i know It's a little late, but the song wasn't done. This is my version of a happy birthday song. I hope you like it...it took a long time..
Anyways.
Happy birthday.

p.s. the quality sucks. soz.

Brendan... cheer up.
too many people love you for you not to care..
i already miss your smile. your real one.
i love it when you're happy. everyone does. you're like the heart of marching band and...idk..
it made me horribly sad to see you how you were today.
cheer up..

Bigkids like Playgrounds, too :)

Today was really grand :) I had a great time chilling with all the guys. I think every time i hang out with them they just get funnier :) We went boarding and Brendan did a slide on his new board (i'm very proud of you, Father. :))
Then we went to my house and watched New Moon and...something else. Don't remember the name. We playground and ate fries and really weird chicken thingies and...yeah. other things too but.. those were weird...er than usual :D
I love my friends...sure i like...never chill with girls but...guys are so much more...chill. and exciting...at the same time. haha :) Best friends are a grand thing. A very, very grand thing.
I don't know...it's like summer is finally starting. that's what today felt like. The real start of summer :)
Plus it was extra special when we made like a pillow train while watching a movie. :P haha...idk how else to explain it.
It was just...good :)

You silly face.

he he he... Cody :)

The one and only, Brendan Wake

That is Attractive. Not gonna lie.

busy busy busy

trek weas this weekend. i stalked someone the whole time. but not literally. i just died whenever i saw he. he is beautiful. :P
hahaha just kidding..
but it did get really boring up there cuz i like fractured part of my foot and couldn't do anything.
i wanted to die.
good thing Brendan was up there, too. i was super bored and kinda sick of my ward and so i just hung with him whenever possible
let's see...
i didn't really do anything else. at all. stalked and slept.
man. this is the most boring blog post ever.

i wish i was little again.
skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.
 -unknown

sleep.

that's all i want to do right now.







Sleep.

CalArt or Pasadina, here i come.

I'm trying to get everthing together so i can graduate early. If i can graduate early i will be done by high school at 16, and then i can move to California with the rest of my family and try to get into school early. I mean, my plans are huge and will take forever to figure out, but if i pull this off...then i'll be a happy camper. I am going to take photography, art, precussion, and dance at CalArt in California :)...but that's a lot fo schooling and...well...a lot of money i don't have. :\ I don't have to board there if i live with my mom and dad, and want to drive 30 miles to school everyday. blahh. :'(
haha whatever. i have awhile to figure things out...kinda. i shouldn't worry about it.

why..? i have no idea

why do i waste my tears on you? why do you take up my thoughts?
why should i care what you think? why should i care what you do? you're taking up my time and honestly i don't think you care anyway. you never really did. so i think i'm going to stop acting like i have a say, and like you will ever remember what i did for you.
i'm happy where i am, but you're getting in the way. you'll never me mine anyway, so i'm gonna get over my stupid imaginative mind :) i'm done pretending. hahaha. completely done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zm6i-C0p1Y&feature=relmfu

you are beautiful

Every person on earth is beautiful.
The tall, the small. The redheaded and the blond. The black and the white. The religious and the not. The male and the female.
Everyone, no matter how ugly they think they are, someone on this earth will think you're beauiful. Because you are.

for having a lot of friends,

i sure have no one.

papple pie, peach pie, coconut cream pie, key lime pie. all the pies are very......awesum

so... the end of the world sucked. i have never been more alive in my entire life then i am right now..kinda. that's all'm going to say
but the day ended alright. just chilling at tylers house in sweats laying on his bed talking about anything and everything. it was great, even though he almost fell asleep. Haha :)
i just... it was a great day.

I'mgoing to maplemountain all day on tuesday :) i hope it goes well and fun  :) haha

every boy wants a redhead

every boy wants a redhead.
every boy wants to hold their soft freckled skin.
every boy wants to look into green or blue eyes.
every boy wants to kiss their fine redhead lips.
every boy wants a firey personality.
every boy wants a unique girl.

every boy wants a redhead

no boy wants curly brown hair.
dark blank eyes.
dry dusty skin.
no boy wants the 'artsy fartsy' type.

every boy wants a redhead

i got your picture, i'm coming with you.

today was kinda fun.
i smiled a couple times and laughed a little too.
that's good.
yeah..
:)

i keep on waiting for the world to change...

Secrets.
Everyone has their secrets. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. Everyone needs their secrets..but they're killing me.
And no one is happy.. I actually have never felt worse. I think I'm at the point of my teenagehood where i just want to yell at everyone to get along. I'm ready to just give up. But..i don't know...not without a fight? And i want people to not be so..rude. They act like they can just push people around, or act like they can be idiots. I want people to be nice to each toher..even if they hate them..

uhm..yeah..i'm never going to reams again.

Tator Tot..
The people at wally world think we're funneh :)
You know, it's cuz we are. We are so freaking hilarious it just blows my mind...actually, we're pretty lame, but can we pretend we for funny for kicks and giggles? for lols? good. hehe :D

Sometimes i wish i didn't have a busy schedule. cuz i can't have dance rehersal and drumline on the same dayyysss. that was just a little bit stressful. and then i didn't go to the last half hour of drumline cuz i just...it was pointless. -__- anyways...

Have you ever wondered why people like you around some people, but then around others they treat you like an idiot? it pisses me off...it's like..either like me or hate me, but would you puhlease stop giving me whiplash? i would rather have ou hate me all of the time, rather then some of the time...Or just LOVE me 100% of the time. (heavy sarcasm, if you couldn't tell)

I actually don't know where I'm going with this blog post..i just know that i felt like..i dunno...typing in teh blog. Ranting about the stuff that no one actually cares about. yup.
anywaya...it was a rough day, but Taylor got me through it.
I love you TayRawwr.

It's only when you're sitting alone a public bathrooms that you can really think about the problems in life

Yesterday everyone got together at Jessica's house... can i just say horrible? The only fun i had was talking to Jess while we were hiding in her shed.. And then Brendan and Alec just sort of left me there and it was really awkward. It sorta hurt. I just got abandoned in a friends teritory filled with enimies. -___- it was the worst.
and then earlier that day i got to watch a makeout session for two hours. so i just left.

Lets just say weekends aren't my thing. Never have been. Never will be.

I want to punch my life in the face right now

Some people have these crazy deep blog entries and stiff, but i guess I'mnot a crazy deep person..inside i am..somewhere..but there are chains and barbed wire and brick wall blocking the deepness.Not to mention the moat i have filled with dinosaurs and other creatures of the sort. I have a hard time being serious, cuz seriousness has always been the same as growing up to me..I know, that's a very childish way of thought, but that's the point..i guess. I think of my personal thought as inmates. I don't want them to get out, and i don't  want people to know wht they have done. Also, they are like dreams..you can only remember them half the time, and I only have them when I'm not completely lucid..(that was a joke...get it?...laugh?) Anyways, my point is, iI'm not very deep...but I'm not shallow either. I'm deep when you get past all of the above, but know one knows it.

Anyways..i think I'm going to go cry now..cuz this is too hard for me..why can't everyone just along...and not be so...gay and stupid. D:<

Nothing Lasts Forver;; Maroon5

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
But misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Though we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

my goal: make a new friend

someimes i wish you guys wouldn't hate me..
i know maybe i wasn't the nicest person..but that was once..and i'm more sorry then i have ever been..to anyone.. i feel like i blew my chance with new friends. i love making new friends, and frankly i think we could all be really good friends..everyone says so.. we used to new friedns..kind of. last year we talked everyday.. i guess it's not last year anymore. i really want you to forgive me, cuz i didn't mean what i said. but you're not doing that either..
and...-sigh- i don't know what i want to say other then i have nothing against you.. i don't know why you hate me so..

:)

i have this picture hanging on my fridge. it's pretty much the dumbest thing i have ever drawn at 2 a.m. But i fell in love with it anyways ans Taylor and Cody look they a 4 year old drew them, and tyler is pretty much the cutest thing in the world. it's all really random, actually. and at the top of the paper it says 'teh groupies' in like 6 year old handwrtiting XP anyway.. yeah, imma dork, and i can't draw. BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP ME.... hehe xD

p.s.
this is my 100th post...is that something special, or is it saying im a sickly blog addict?
i guess i just need to be heard.

Meow -

brendan. tyler. cody.

stop playing rune|scape.
i'll kill you.
i mean, i love you, really i do...but this must stop.
i;m going to die without my makeout ....i mean... hang out buddies.
uh...yeah.

i need a doctor..

why is it that every friday ends up...sucking...?
hahahahaha......... >:|
anyways...boys are super dumb. i think that i'm going to just..i don't know.







life sucks.

my Grandma actually wears Mary Kay...

D':<
angry crying face.
don't ask why i'm angerly crying... i don't know why i'm angerly crying.
This weekend was pretty fun. i think i'm going to punch something though. i blew my auditions and then i did something to my knees and my sister broke my speakers and....yeah. Plus a bunch of personal emotions inside me are pretty mich ripping me apart. I feel horrible and I'm soooo super confused.
i'm in a very Imogen Heap mood. i'm also loving Florence and the Machine and Yellowcard. And Dashboard Confessional.
I think i'm going to spend the rest of the school year in a whole. coming out only to eat donuts and Mountain Dew.
Holy Cow. i'm whining like an old woman.
On the plus side hanging with Brendan, Alec, Tyler and Spencer on Friday was really fun and full of adventure..
heh..

hehehe :3

Once upon a time, there was a manly man named Cody. He was Beautiful.

actually... i'm not telling a story today.
i'm just saying two things to two people.. Don't get mixed up with eachother.

oh memories, where'd you go? you were all i'd ever known, how i miss yesterday, and how i let it slip away...

Today was super duper fun. I love Taylor, Brendan and Cody, even though sometimes things can get a little.... odd. i always have a great time :) hahaha i love them. we went fourwheeling. that's always fun :)

but lately, my feelings have been a little wack.
okay.
way wack. i honeslty don't know what i'm going to do half the time and so i just... lie. well it's not called lying.. it's called hiding my feelings and i'm pretty sure that's what i need to do.. i guess? i literally have no idea. none at all. hahaha...
this sucks.
i want to ba able to just sort out my feelings for everything and everyone without so much trouble.
*sigh*
haha...lol..

the moment i said it. the moment i opened my mouth...

lately... hmm... lately..

i just want to move. i'm not happy anymore. that's the blunt way to say it.
i find myself crying for no reason. i'll just be watching tv, like American Idol or Raising Hope or something, and start crying.
i can't write any happy songs... i guess i never could.. but it's worse. and usually when i'm with people i get on this happy high that last for days.. but lately it's been ending the moment i walk out the door of someones house. besides, my parents have been talking about moving for so long now, that it's just pathetic we are still even here.

my mom told me a joke today and i cried. people say when you need to cry, laugh. but i can't even fake laugh when i'm alone.. when i'm with people i guess that's when i get to put my fake smile on and play it all fine. tyler says he can tell when i'm wearing a fake smile, but if no one else notices, i'll be okay...

something happened... a few weeks ago, when everyone was fighting i jusy felt defeated. i stuck up for someone i loved, but it feels like in a way i lost multiple other people to lies about me.. they don't even know me and i lost them.. it like knowing that you and someone could be perfect friends, but they absolutely despise you. i guess most people despise me now-a-days.
hah..

i can't wait to leave....

Dear World. I'm officially sick of your Bull Crap.

the words you spit are too full of venom for someone as ignorant as you and the things you throw around describe you as much as they describe me. when you fly your bullets, do you expect to penetrate? all this time, you hating me, and we have never even had a full conversation. why is that so? and is you have something to say, i would really love you to say it to my face. that would make it easier for me to laugh at your lies.

The Questionable 'Boy Brain'

why are guys so wrapped up in the way girls look?
everyday i hear from my guy friends 'oh she's hot', 'you're friends is way good looking' etc..
they never realize it makes the 'un-hot' girls (me) feel like crap.
never once (okay, maybe once. but that's it) have i heard a guy say 'she is so sweet' or 'i love her personality' if she isn't good looking in their view.
i don't know why they do that. even the sensitive ones. it's pretty dumb actually..

When July became December, Their affection fought the cold...

Brendan's facebook status was about how he wishes things were how they were last summer. up until now, i literally thought i was the only one who liked it.
i mean, liked it enough to miss it.
i guess his status got me thinking about this summer, and how i want it to be amazing. last summer was full of change!... the good kind i mean.. haha it was a time for lost, and gain. knowledge and ignorance.
hmmmm.. i learned alot last summer. it was good for me.

so.. i love dancing.. haha i'm not very good, sitting in my room at night stretching and then pushing my body to limits. it feels good, after trying something new, and then succeeding (meaning not looking like an idiot while turning and twisting your body into complicated formations). i love sitting down after a song, and breathing hard, knowing that you worked yourself. i like that when i dance i don't think. i just feel the music, focusing on the way i need to move next to get to the step after that.
hahaha it's not like i would ever show anybody! haha it's not something i want a career of, but its a wonderful way to get rid of stress :) i still can't leap though... that causes a few problems..

can the lonely take the place of you?

why is this happening.. this can't happen.

When We Collide - Matt Cardle

You say "I love you, boy"
I know you lie
I trust you all the same
I don't know why

'Cause when my back is turned
My bruises shine
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

Sitting in a wishing hole
Hoping it stays dry
Feet cast in solid stone
I've got Gilligan's eyes

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

You said love was letting us go against what
Our future is for...

Many of horror
Our future's for many of horror

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard 

When i was young i had imaginary friends, and boy did we have fun..

this week has been utterly boring. i  mean besides Sunday and Friday.
and i have a headache.
a major major headache. it sort of feels like someone is stabbing me with knives. (not the girl from Scott Pilgrim, although that would be just as bad) and they are stabbing me with in the lower jaw and the back of my neck.

yeah...

so everyone is having drama again.. :\ that's high school i guess.

don't you hate it when your texting someone, and your asking them a question, or you said something really risky or very very important and they take FOREVER to text back? i hate it. and when you can they don't answer and in your head you're going "ARE YOU IGNORING ME?!?!??!?!?" and then they text back like 300 years later and they are like 'sorry, what did you need?' and then you kill them by feeding them to the burds or the hungry lions you have hidden under your trampoline and they DON'T DIE!!!'
it's literally the worst feeling ever.
*sigh*
anyways, here's my shout out for the day.


Jessica,
i love you. you're a strong girl, i have told you this. what you did was brave, and needed, i think.
i know it was hard for you. but know i'm always here, alrighty? you're a sweetheart and an amazing person.
stay beautiful.

In your eyes, like my first time that i caught fire....

yeah... my appendix almost burst. yeah, i coulda died. yeah, i'm fine. yeah, it hurts, no, i do't miss the hospital.
Thank you to everyone who prayed for me, and came to visit me. i love you.
you helped me get through it :)

that's all i'm saying on the subject.

so it was conference weekend.
pretty good. i watched it with my family the first three sessions,
then on the second Sunday session i went to Tyler's house and we watched it. that was really nice, just sitting there, taking a break from the 'fam'. i scratched his back, being the good person i am, and i touched his ticklish spot. ^-^ haha the boy freaked out. i swear he jumped like 20 miles away from me. i wasn't offended. i burst out laughing. it was the funniest thing in the world.
after words he come over to my grandma's house with us and ate dinner. he said he was a talentless loser (even though he's not!), cuz we were all sitting around playing musical instruments, and singing and forming mini bands made of the most random instruments (guitar, acaraina-or however it's spelled-, a cello, a violin, a piano and a recorder). me and my cousins sang a quartet (with 5. i don't know what it's called) of Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing and Be Still My Soul. it felt very good to be able to sing again. turns out i'm a soprano now. hmmm. that feels good that i have worked up from an alto so a soprano. :) tyler was sad, but he could have sang with us. or asked to learn something, at least!but no. and i told him he could sit in the corner if he wanted to but he thought i banished him to the corner. i promise i didn't!!... there just wasn't any good standing room and he wanted to leave..
anyways...


my mom thinks i'm high.

so yesterday i took lots of pictures and i have decided on 8 that i like best.... here goes :)

all photos by Phoenix Mackley :)

tweetle dumb..

i'm just me, i don't know why there is something wrong with that.

El Festival De Colores:)

Magic.

the color festival was magic.
i went with my bestest friends and met up with some amazing people :)
i have got to do this every year. it was a freaking party :)
i saw a ton of people :) all of them i love very very much. i'm so glad i have the friends i do. i'm very greatful for you guys <3 :)
after the throwing we went to Wendy's and the boys ate churgers (they are actually pretty good, thanks for inventing them Spencer and Brendan and whoever else), and then we all got showered, and then whent to taylors house and watched movies and didn't eat the popcorn that cody ruined... haha :)
all in all, i would relive this day again, and not change anything. i love you guys :)

Teenage Drama Queen.... Take Two..

so the color festival is tomorrow... i'm decently excited... sort of.
i don't know, as of late nothing really makes me happy.
except for when me and tyler dance around his room singing the song form Labyrinth...
i went a few days without playing the piano, cuz i thought i sucked. and when i played again
i cried.
i know, your thinking its a very stupid thing to cry over playing the piano.
it is. and i know i'm not that great, but giving up what i love isn't going to make me better, so i was just being stupid i guess... i shouldn't stop what i love.
anyways, back to the main topic.
color fest.
everyone is telling me great stories... great ones indeed.. and don't get me wrong, i'm really looking forward to it, but i guess i have had this image in my head since August that i would be going with someone else, and then the realization hit me that i wasn't going with this certain person and i was... well... put out. (as they say on princess bride..) but i mean, i'm going with the most amazing persons on earth, but i can't picture what it will even be like. i guess i will just have to wait and see..

My Beautiful Best Friend Taylor. 
she has had a really bad day. i can just tell by the way she carries herself.. it makes me sad that some people can't get over themselves just enough to see that other side of a story... to see that maybe this person didn't actually know, and you're blaming them for nothing. and then it just gets worse over the day and just... sigh*
she ended up not being able to spend the night, so that made me sad. i wanted to comfort her when there wasn't lame sauce boys around.

Not Real... 
I wish you could cheat death. you know, just not die. everything would be so much less stressful. less real. fairy tales aren't real. they are not our world. i think that is what makes them so nice to hear. so nice to read and to see on the big screen. it's why we dream in fairy tales. to get away from all the real life throws at us all the time. not real is good sometimes, only when you don't call it fake.

i have been a poop head.

i wont even deny it. lately i have been a very big poop head. i'm so freaking negative. i hate it. this year i have been working on being a better person and so far... well i'm doing really bad.
anyways... imma be happy.
so i wrote this little poem, that i'll make into a song.
here goes

you're the luckiest girl
to walk this whole world. 
you've got or arm in his
and his smile in your heart. 
you're lucky that you've got him.
i'd know, i had him briefly before.
don't give up on him easy
and if he tries to leave
fight harder then ever before.

no one really notices

sometimes i feel invisable

sometimes a feel scared

sometimes i feel let down

sometimes i feel like a wasted space

sometimes i feel my efforts are useless

sometimes i feel dumb

sometimes i feel like no one really notices

Along with the rain comes tears..

Why is it, that after every good day my mom decides to scream at me when i walk through the door? i can't have a single full happy day and i honestly don't remember the last time i have. school was horrible, too so that didn't help much... no at all.and no matter what i do, or how good i acted or how much i have done around the house she walks into my bedroom every night and yells for one reason or another. but every time she says how i'm not good enough. and i know that she's right.
i guess i had fun at Taylor's today. we messed around and later we chilled with tyler and cody.. it was pretty fun. too bad good things don't last right?

so i wrote a poem.
here goes.. i guess.


i'm dreaming of 
another place
where the wind blows 
secrets through the air
and
the rain drops
carry the beat of hearts.


i'm dreaming of
another place
where the birds hold
the songs of the dead
and
the trees lace love
through their branches
like the connection of 
day and night.


i'm dreaming of
another place
where perfecting blooms in flowers
and
mistakes are born 
in the light of the sun
and
darkness falls like a
blanket of silence. 
-    -   -   -   -   -   -   -
By: Phoenix Mackley :)

I'm finally ungrounded. that feels REALLY good to say :)

These have been two VERY long weeks. and ya know, i had no idea how sneaky i was ;)
me and Brendan made up.
that was very good, cuz i love him and he is a very wonderful friend.
and i made him oreo no-bake cake. he better have liked it, cuz i really, really wanted to eat that thing.
anyways....
i have had a realization... ya know, one of those life changing ones. the ones where if you don't say it, or act on it..... you'll DIE. i'm gonna learn the cello good and im gonna keep practicing for drumline, whether i'm in it or not.... when is it btw?
aneeways... me excited. and i think that i like music more then a let on. and thats saying something, cuz i let it on AFREAKINGTON. haha :D
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



it feels so good to write in my pointless, non-popular, blog!!!!!!!
haha i though i was gonna die. twice i was gonna die. maybe even three times. THREE TIMES.
i feel really happy, considering i'm failing a class and i'm too dumb to make it up :P
hehe


heart.

why?

is it wrong to cry?
is it wrong to get mad?
a joke is a joke.
but now you wont look me in the eye.
i didn't know it would cause hate.
it's not what i seems.
but your words rung in my ears like bullets.
fast and harsh
and painful.
my feelings and spirits
shattered and sunk to the ground.
did you even realize i cried
or see the tears watering in my eyes?

'your a part time lover and a full time friend'

today sucked. the moment i walked out of school i burst into tears. i'm sick of people thinking that just because i don't get mad at them that i'm totally okay. i dont care if your kidding. this has been a crappy week of tears everyday. i'm not really in the mood to deal with people like that. i'm not a rag doll, you cant throw me around and tell me what to do. i'm done.

:\

beautiful. that's what your spirit is. beautiful.

8,879 WAY TO GIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS GOOD FORTUNE RIGHT NOW!

i am super happy.

i'm going to wake up everyday (not including mondays) and say that to myself.
i read in my karma book that if you do that your day, and who ever you talk too's day, will be much better.
sometimes i wonder why i even spent money one this book.
8,879 ways to look like an idiot.
8,879 ways to walk your dog.
8,879 ways to lick the carpet when you get mad cow disease.
... k
but really, it seemed like a good investment when i bought it, but now i look at it and think 'there is way to much happiness in this 4x4 book'

i would really read 8,879 ways to wear a buzz light-year ring.
i dont even have that many fingers.
gosh, these are more cliche than my brain.
it's gross

'expect to hear good news, everyday'
 'you dont have ti forgive people if you dont judge them in the first place'
'there is nothing to be, nothing to do, and nothing to have'
'its not what happens that matters most; it's what you do with it'

this sounds like stuff Gandhi would say
sexy,
sexy,
Gandhi.

p.s.
alot of my post about Brendan was writting by Brendan.... jsyk k?

shout out

Taylor,

i love you. you are such a sweet heart and every time i see you i get happy, even when we are both in pissy moods. your the only person that will listen to what i have to say and not talk crap about me. ever. and for that, your freaking amazing. your the only person that would do anything for me anytime. thanks.. :D

Emily, 

Hun, your amazing. Seriously the greatest thing ever. I love you so so much. your so gorgeous and your not afraid to show it.i love the side of you thats not afraid to be you. you listed to me complain all day and you give freaking amazing advise. i love your sweet spirit and your wild side. hehe

love you

Jessica, 

You are such an individual. i love that about you. your so funny and you just can't make me mad. i think your so pretty and you have a very big heart. your smile is so contagious it can make a whole room bright just by walking in. i love that we can just talk and everything i have been feeling, spills out. i like that you will tell me when i'm being a little brat. your honest with me. and for that, thanks.

Brendan Miles,

Hmmm... where do i start? your freaking great. haha i really do love ya. well i mean, i hate you, too, but... ya know. (the pregnant jokes have got to stop!) hah. no but really, your great. you have been my friend for awhile and even though i don't really confide in you, you still have been there. plus your like a freaking crazy pants and if i chill with you i know that it will most defiantly a good time. i love you dood! I'm not kidding you're freaking hot! Please marry me?

Landy,

I am not a jerk. promise. your super awesome and a funny kid. your like a little brother to me and i really love ya. i think that your super funny and i love. and i just like to beat you up. :D but i do it out of pure kindness. :)

Cody,

I miss you, Cody. 

that is all.

Sophia,
Your are CRAZY.  freaking love you so much. you seriously are the worlds funnest person. if i am sad i just go chill with you and we go on crazy adventures and it's super sexy and everything! it's amazing. like you! ;) you are so pretty and just a dollface. your not afraid to be you

Brendan, I love you

Riley, I love you almost as much as Brendan

-brendan

cliche life :)

so i have realized that not everyone can be happy, and the people that are not happy are really missing out.
take wht life gives.

go out.
spoil yourself, yet
serve others.
smile at strangers
blow kisses
eat chocolate
date people
shop with friends
dance in the rain,
or the shine.
play boardgames
explore
dream big
try knowing yu may fail.
take advice of people you hate
let down your guard.
stand up for what you believe
say CLICHE things.

i know i'm kind of a loser and i know that i'm a brat, but i can't help think wht life would be like if i took everything good. not be careless, not be negitive. it's my new, new years resolution.

dear Frani,

so, i'm sorry. i was a brat and i got yelled at enough to know it was a real crappy thing i said yesterday. to be honest i was just mad cuz it upset Taylor and i should have kept my mouth shut. it wasn't my place to say what i did, and once again i'm sorry. i just understood how she felt and... yah. personally i think you are  funny and beautiful and not at all bratty. you don't have to forgive me, not at all, but i want you to know that i'm sorry and i take it back.
-phee

Happy -NeverShoutNever! :)

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days
For the rest of my days
Yeah, all of my days

You're lookin' so cool you're lookin' so fly
I can't deny that when I'm staring
You down right dead in the eye
I wanna try to be the person you want
The person you need
It's hard to conceive
That somebody like you could be with
Someone like me

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce
Ooh Ooh
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/nevershoutnever/happy.html ]
You're lookin' so fresh
It's catching my eye
Why oh why did I not see this before
The girl I adore was right in front of me
And now I'll take a step back and look in your eye
And ask why it took so long to see
We're meant to be

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce

On the good, the bad, the ugly
The smiles, the laughs, the funny,
Or all the things we put each other through
It's for you for you for you

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days
For the rest of my days

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce

Ooh ooh